Hello again, Blog Beauties.
I never in a million years thought I might appear on TV. I do have an ambition to have my own reality show with all my PHB fans – I still think it could happen.
But back to the real world
Arf is my second hubby – he found me on the back of cornflakes box – but my first marriage ended in a very painful divorce. I was put on tranquillisers and at that time, they were considered a wonder drug. They stopped the crippling panic attacks but I needed higher and higher doses to achieve this. It wasnt just valium either, cocktails of pills rushed around my body and brain until I couldnt function without a pill.
I needed one to go out; another to answer the phone; another to go to work and another to stay there. I became addicted. I didnt realise it and was never told this and thought this was how my life was – for always.
Wait for this – after 30 years; Yep – I said thirty, 30 years, a chance came along which would turn my world upside down and give me back a life filled with colour and emotion.
A website I used to visit asked for folk, like me, to go on TV. Channel 4 to be precise on a programme called “Britains Deadliest Addictions”. It would mean a 5 days stay in a private clinic in Harrogate along with someone who was addicted to booze and another addicted to crack cocaine.
You can imagine my panic but also a flutter of excitement; I was torn.
I went for it, folks. In 2007, I took a small step into the unknown; I closed my eyes and prayed I was doing the right thing.
We had cameramen in my home for interviews and my story – my heart nearly burst with fear and the panic attacks were devastating – all day, every day. How would I manage away from home?
Everyone was very kind and after many tears, I was off. We had to stop a couple of times on the way as I couldnt breathe and I ouldnt eat anything but eventually I was hustled into the clinic and spent a couple of hours signing papers and understanding – or trying to – everything that would and might happen. I stayed on my own as the Production Team didnt want my conditon (MS) to confuse the issue. They explained my walking stick was to help a balance problem.
My “housemates” were lovely, although each of us had demons to fight. We had intense therapy each day both on our own and together. We came togther at mealtimes; at first a silent and tearful affair but by the end of the week, we were able to laugh and tease each other. We had cameras watching our every move but we forgot them; just surviving whilst being without the comfort of our own “addiction” took all our energy and determination.
I DID try to escape one night – Id started to cut down and had to keep to the new dose but was panicking – and it made good TV! The programme was shown late at night each day for 5 days and it has been repeated from time to time.
We came home on our 25th wedding anniversary. I knew this was an omen; a good one.
The long withdrawal was a nightmare; I lost alot of weight; but I managed to wean myself off the drugs. I think my true recovery began when I took the last tranquilliser – which was just before my 60th birthday. I had a houseful of flowers from the film crew and one beautiful young girl gave me a book covered in silk and lace with butterflies embroidered on it – to recount my journey.
I am still in touch with the clinic and have been back to see them all – this time I was full of life and laughter – without pills.
So, you see, life really can begin at 60. I see a Counsellor every 3 months ( courtesy of my PHB) to help me deal with regrets and anger and I have reflexology – again on my PHB -to help with stress.
I bet you didnt think that happened to me, did you?
Miracles can come in soft shoes; open your heart to all that is offered; kiss moonbeams before they reach the sea.
Off now to feed Lucy – shea a girlie black cat with a red sparkly collar. XX
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