Ive had depression 3 times in my life and im not even 30 yet. This has by far been the worst experience. I wouldnt wish how Ive felt on my worst enemy. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. Going to Sainsburys is a huge for me. Getting through a day without bursting into tears/managing to get dressed/managing not to hurt myself are all huge acheivements. But for the first time in my experience of depression; I dont think im going to make it. It is too big, I am too small and the mess that I have got myself into is too huge to comprehend. I get through the days by not thinking, not acknowledging anything, and lying to all the people I love. Ive only been honest with 2 people and im trying – and failing – to keep up an act, because im too scared to admit how ill I am. I know unless I start talking very soon Im not going to be here anymore, because I will only be left with one option. The last month has been horrendous. Ive ended up in hospital following an overdose and managed to keep it a secret from everyone apart from 2 people. I desperately need to talk about it, but am terrified of peoples reactions and terrified Ive let them down, I already feel so ashamed, guilty and embarrassed. The worst thing? I dont regret it; I just regret not taking enough, then I wouldnt still be here with all this hurt, pain and feelings that will not go away. I desperately need more support – but trying to get support because you are suicidal is like trying to get through London in rush hour – impossible, at least in my experience. Other people I talk to have had positive experiences and I envy them – its hard enough dealing with how I feel, without having to battle to get some help. Im not strong enough, and im stuck in a huge black whole. There is a no colour in my life, its shades of grey. I cant remember the last time I really laughed or smiled. I cant remember a day – certainly not in the past 2 weeks – when I havent been consumed with thoughts of suicide. Living with depression like this, is like living with a time bomb stuck to you. You struggle on day after day, but know that your days are numbered, that eventually something will crack, the bomb will explode and your life will cease to exsist. Thats how its feeling for me anyway….
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